Tuesday, September 9, 2008

37 Weeks

Well, we've arrived, we're officially full term! I'm so excited to meet my little pumpkin, I can hardly stand it. Don't get me wrong, pregnancy has been pretty good to me and I'm enjoying the few weeks I have left with him inside of me! There's just something so amazing about it... But when I think about holding him in my arms- wrapping him up and putting him to sleep in his cradle- seeing Matt with him- I'm like a little kid the few weeks before Christmas, bouncing up and down asking; "Is Santa coming TONIGHT???"
I want him to hang out in there and do all the developing he needs to do but at the same time- I just want him to get here!! They say the only thing that babies are really doing inside the womb after week 37 is just packin' on the fat and that they're ready to go- so so are we!! (ready to go, not the fat part- hahaha) We've got our bags mostly packed, meals frozen, nursery ready, clothes and diapers washed, all we need is a little red wrinkly bundle of joy.
We had another prenatal appointment yesterday evening- baby looks great. He's practicing his breathing, amniotic fluid looks great, his heart rate is strong and beautiful as usual- but he's still floating way above my pelvis. (And he's a little off to the side, or "oblique," but this shouldn't be a problem.) The floating thing could be. He should "drop" or "engage" this week since he hasn't already. My doctor seemed to be concerned that he hasn't dropped because he might not be able to- there might not be enough room for him even in the top of my pelvis. (Let alone the bottom.) She really stressed that we need to be prepared for a Cesarean, though my desire for a trial labor is not "unreasonable." She said she's been proven wrong before, and you never know. :0/ She even drew us a picture of the boney structures she was feeling in my pelvis with a serious look in her eyes. *sigh* She asked us how late we'd be willing to wait to go into labor naturally. I told her 42 weeks (that's the maximum for anyone.) It's like she was passing a verdict that he was never going to drop and my body was never going to go into labor on it's own.
I held it together as long as I could, but when we got home I burst into tears. It's a good thing I have Matt or I'd be a complete mess. He's been so supportive of my hopes and and so reassuring through my fears... I can't tell you how much I want a natural birth. I wont go into all my reasons because I'm sure I have plenty of readers who don't feel the same way and I don't want to cause any hard feelings- but for me- it feels like something I have to do. That I was born to do. That I should have been designed to do- was I not? Did God give me a burning desire to be a mom and not give me the proper equipment to bring a baby into the world?? I guess that's the point where most people are thankful for modern medicine and move on. But not me, oh no, I obsess. I obsessed about it all night, trying to be reasonable and then falling apart in tears again. Through dinner, after dinner, even at 4am. Poor Matt... (I love you, honey!) it's gotta be tough being an expectant father!
If you don't know, I've had four surgeries in the past. I hate surgery. I hate recovery. I hate the drugs they give you for recovery. Mostly, I hate feeling useless or helpless and having to rely on others for even basic needs. I've struggled emotionally with being "abnormal" (though it's been a long time) and with people always telling me that I can't because I'm different, or because I'm too little. I hate it. I felt a little bit like Jon Locke last night: "Don't tell me what I can't do!!!" I'm terrified of an epidural. I'm even more terrified of not being able to have an epidural because of my spinal abnormalities and having to undergo general anesthesia for a Cesarean and missing the birth of my son. I feel terrible for him- what if he's crammed into my pelvis for hours, and then gets doped up with drugs, and suddenly ripped out of his environment into a cold and bright one, and whisked away for testing without the comfort of his knocked out mother. It kills me.
But there I go overreacting again.... forgive me. It really is still too early to be jumping to conclusions. Matt told me last night that he doesn't want me to give up hope- and he's right. Being negative and fearful will not allow my body to do what it was meant to do, anyway. I take one doubting look from my doctor and run away with it. And I can't keep this up for five weeks. So in my vulnerability, I request your prayers. My doctor may not see how it's possible, but with God all things are- and He can open up my pelvis for any size baby He wants to. So please pray for labor to start on it's own, and for the baby to fit. And for my sanity in the meantime... It doesn't matter so much if it's next week or the middle of October, I'm not praying for an early labor just to "get it done with." I just want to bring him into the world safe and sound and have a feeling that the earlier it is, the smaller he'll be, and therefore the better my chances are. Also, people's comments are making me a bit hostile and I imagine they're just going to get worse as the weeks go on! "Wow, you're about ready to pop!" "Are you completely miserable yet?" "You're getting an epidural, aren't you?" "When are you due, tomorrow? Really? Not until then?" And my new personal favorite: "Don't have that baby right here!"
Oh man. And the "sympathy" comments and looks are starting to hit- which for me is going to be worse than the bad humor. Especially if we pass 40 weeks. Please don't pity me!!

Soooooo- yeah. That's the story for now. I'll update again after next week's appointment if anything has changed. And with all you prayer warriors, it might! Even if the only thing that changes is my heart with a sense of peace about it all. Thanks for listening to my giant vent. Love you all :)


BETHANY said...

Oh, I have a thousand things to say. Let me just say this for now - the worth of a mother is not determined by how she births (or feeds, for that matter) her baby.

I've never had a c-section, but Silas was almost one. Little stinker decided he didn't want to be born at home and we ended up at the hospital. The next two were at home, as planned.

Anyway, if you ever want to vent, then I'm willing to listen. :)

Rebekah Birt said...

I found your blog through Jamie's and I read your post and was so touched by what you had written. We saw you and Matt from afar at church last week from and I told Jared that you looked absolutely beautiful! I really mean that and we will be praying for you and your family. You are a precious to so many.

BTW, not that we are pregnant or anything, but I have so enjoyed your blog!!! You should write a book on pregancy and motherhood! I have learned so much and enjoyed everything I have read. Especially, the enviromental/health issues. Thanks for blessing us all in blogger land.

Love ya,
rebekah birt

Alana's Blog said...

people are so cruel sometimes. i remember people staring at me like they had never seen a prego woman before! and the comments about being big.. made me cry. just try and ignore them. your growing a baby! its the best thing ever! I was induced a week late and was not able to have a natural birth with riley. I had to have a c section. (he was 10 pounds!) and was stuck on my hip bone. which upset me because i labored so well and so quick. but it wasnt at all bad. and healed quickly. just make sure to get up and move around! but no matter what happens.. your going to be a mommy! I understand your concerns and fears... but your doctor just wants to make sure that you and baby rowen stay safe. so just relax and enjoy the last few weeks. he will come when hes ready in his own way. and when you hold him for the first time... its incredible! i still look at my son (who is almost 1!) and I cant beleive hes really here and the hes mine! hang in there and I will keep you in my thoughts!

Kristy said...

breathe in....
breathe out....
God is with you.....

hang in there hun! just think soon you'll be holding him and that is all that matters!


Sarah said...

I love you, Brianne! God knows your heart and He knows what's best for little Rowen. [I know you already know that. :-)]

I'm praying for God's will and especially God's peace for you and Matt.


Jamie said...

I will definitely continue praying for you as you enter the final weeks before you get to meet your little one face to face. You have some very wise friends who have posted comments too. God is good indeed. He is ultimately in control and desires to bless you as you enter motherhood.

A mom who had a birth not as planned but saw God work in amazing ways as a result

Jacki R. said...

You are so close Brianne! Hang in there - we are so fortunate that God knows the plans He has for all of us, and not the doctors (though it will be nice to have their help during delivery!).

It's been a blessing to see you and Rowen grow so healthy, and he will be here before you know it and you'll never want to put him down! Those hormones sure wreak havoc on your emotions, don't they? God bless you guys!!

jenny said...

Hi! My name is Jenny and I found your blog through Kristy (Corbett friend). I just wanted to tell you what a blessing it is to read your blog. Your faith and desire to serve God is very inspiring and it does strengthen others when you don't even know about it! I wanted to tell you that I am also praying for you. I am praying that things go exactly as you desire. But I do know that even if that doesn't happen, the Lord will be with you. He knows what you are going through. Just trust and give him praise in all things! You are so blessed to be having a baby soon, I can't wait till I get to also!